somedays

somedays i realize exactly how lucky i am. i have a wonderful husband who finds is necessary to make sure thatg i know everyday that he loves me, cares about me, and thinks i am beautiful. some days i take this for granted and i blow it off and i shouldn't. it doesnt happen very often that you find a soul mate and i truly believe that i have found mine he makes me happy everyday and makes sure tha i know i am loved and appreciated. i have 2 beautiful children who truly love me. in fact my son told me yesterday that i was a good mudder lol he was trying to say mother but the meaning was still behind it. and i know in my heart that i truly am a lucky person

man i want to be

God, I'm down here on my knees
'Cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance
If there's any chance at all
That You might still be listenin'
Lovin' and forgivin' guys like me

I've spent my whole life
Gettin' it all wrong
And I sure could use Your help
'Cause from now on

I want to be a good man
A do like I should man
I want to be the kind of man
The mirror likes to see

I want to be a strong man
And admit that I was wrong man
God, I'm asking You to come change me
Into the man I want to be

If there's anyway for her and me
To make another start
Could You see what You could do
To put some love back in her heart?
'Cause it goin' to take a miracle
After all I've done to really make her see

That I want to be a stay man
I want to be a brave man
I want to be the kind of man
She sees in her dreams

God, I want to be Your man
And I want to be her man
God, I only hope she still believes
In the man I want to be

Well, I know this late at night the talk is cheap
But Lord, don't give up on me

I want to be a givin' man
I want to really start livin', man
God, I'm asking You to come change me
Into the man I want to be

Choices

So this isn;t to them it is about them. for 4.5 years i have tried to be the best mother i can be. i have fought, cried, loved, bled, and worked my ass off to give my children the best life i knew how. to give them everything i had and more, food in their bellies, clothes on there back, roof over their head, love in their hearts, and the kind of childhood that i believe every child should have, a happy one. Now for anthony this has been pretty easy cause he has never wanted anything to do with sissy, he made that clear, he walked out and never looked back and for that in a way i am greatful, i dont have to worry about much with him just weather or not he is going to pay child support, which thankfully he pretty much always has, and what to tell her about him when she gets a little older, how to explain to her that we were never in love but that doesnt mean i don't love her or that for any reason i would ever regret having her. not one moment of her life has passed where i have thought ...wow this would be easier if..... i know that she was given to me for a reason and he wasn't a part of it. But with brandon it is a very different thing, he has taught me so much and once again i have never regretted having him, not one moment, but now his sperm donor...i suppose you could call him, has decided that he want's me to let him sign over his rights becasue after all i don't let him see brandon..... wait a minute.... yup you heard me right.... i don't let him..... i am not really sure where this came from because i have never once told him that he couldn't see bub... he made that decision, in fact until jake and i got together i tried everything i knew to get him to be in brandons life, yet he never was. i can't blame it on ashley because he is his own person, she is not his keeper and he knows what is right and wrong, i have never otld him he couldn't call, or send letters, or even see him but apparently after not speaking to him for a year having no clue where he is or what his phone number is i was supposed to call and let him know that we were in town in febuary so that he could see his son....humph.... how the he** does that work? i am not telepathic and after 4 years of walking in and out and never really supporting him why should i let him have that opportunity now? after all i gave him the option for 4 years now that he has decided he doesn;t really want it i am supposed to just roll over and give him what he want's...... well i am not doing it anymore. i have let him off on everything. he has not seen his child... by his choice, in over 2 years now. he hasn;t called to check on him at all. in fact the only time he did call was after mothers day in 2009 and then he never, not one time, asked about his son, NEVER, he asked about me, he told me about him, and his family but never once did he say how is Brandon doing, So what am i supposed to tell him when he askes me mommy why doesn;t my father love me the way he does his other kids? that question breaks my heart, becasue i know it will come one day, and the best answer i can give him is becasue the good lord knew there would be someone that would love you more, that would be there for you everytime you fell down to help pick you up, dust you off, someone that would loose sleep at night worrying about your grades, your first love, college high school, weather he is giving you the life you deserve and for thayt i am the most thankful woman ever. that my children do have someone that will be there for them everymoment that they need him, that will never turn his back on them no matter how much they hurt him, that will be there for them when their own fathers couldn't, wouldn't or just dont want to. So no i will not let them sign over their rights until i feel that it is an appropriate time and yes i do think that anthony is doing his best and i know that sam will never do anything but it doesn't mean i will not fight for what i believe in my heart is best for my children.

a new day

so i haven;t posted anything in a little while so i figured today might be a good day. i am going to start working out again today and hopefully get somethings done. i woke up a little late cause my husband let me sleep in. and the kids just got up at like 10:30 lol. i love that my children are good sleepers. so i have started praying again cause it is the only thing i know to do. jake has about a week left on his antibiotics and we just found out yesterday he has about 5 more months left on the blood thinners cause the doc said it is a minimum 6 month thing. so today i am out to find him a doctor that can care for his blood thinners and monitor him. money money money i hate that it seems like everything is run by money and i have to figure out how i am going to get all of my bills paid this month lol. i have so many bills and so little money. this is the story of thousands of people right now. i know we have a good thing here even though i can't stand to be here. i kinda feel like i just want to go home and home is florida, but when i saty that i sound like a spoiled littel girl not a mother and wife, so today i am going to start trying to channel my eneergy i am going to workout and i am going to try to spend more quality time with my kids. and my husband too hopefully although he is not very cooperative because he is fighting depression so he is not really in the moood to do anything anymore sadly. the highlight of his day os going to get his antibiotic at the hospital, which i have to say is a good thing, we know all the nurses there and they are so helpful of everything and so sup[portive of all thats going on that it is truly a good thing to have so many people that you do not reallly know care that much about someone. this is the closest thing to friends we have found since we have been here. i had a few at my job as did he but when the jobs went away so did the friends really.so we have been alone for about the last 5 months aside from the few friends we have still in contact and family. which reminds me that i miss my family. i think it is harder knowing that they are closer and i can't see them than it was when i couldn't see them because they were too far. it is going to be hard to move again and know it will be hard to make it up to see them, but i have to do whet the good lords wants for my family and i believe in my heart he will lead us to it. thats what i have been praying for is something that will tell us where we are supposed to be. a job there or a job here or something. i need something to help guide us, something that says we are making the right decision, i am scared to move there and be stuck with no job and no home and end right back up here...blah i dont think i could do it again....