Choices

So this isn;t to them it is about them. for 4.5 years i have tried to be the best mother i can be. i have fought, cried, loved, bled, and worked my ass off to give my children the best life i knew how. to give them everything i had and more, food in their bellies, clothes on there back, roof over their head, love in their hearts, and the kind of childhood that i believe every child should have, a happy one. Now for anthony this has been pretty easy cause he has never wanted anything to do with sissy, he made that clear, he walked out and never looked back and for that in a way i am greatful, i dont have to worry about much with him just weather or not he is going to pay child support, which thankfully he pretty much always has, and what to tell her about him when she gets a little older, how to explain to her that we were never in love but that doesnt mean i don't love her or that for any reason i would ever regret having her. not one moment of her life has passed where i have thought ...wow this would be easier if..... i know that she was given to me for a reason and he wasn't a part of it. But with brandon it is a very different thing, he has taught me so much and once again i have never regretted having him, not one moment, but now his sperm donor...i suppose you could call him, has decided that he want's me to let him sign over his rights becasue after all i don't let him see brandon..... wait a minute.... yup you heard me right.... i don't let him..... i am not really sure where this came from because i have never once told him that he couldn't see bub... he made that decision, in fact until jake and i got together i tried everything i knew to get him to be in brandons life, yet he never was. i can't blame it on ashley because he is his own person, she is not his keeper and he knows what is right and wrong, i have never otld him he couldn't call, or send letters, or even see him but apparently after not speaking to him for a year having no clue where he is or what his phone number is i was supposed to call and let him know that we were in town in febuary so that he could see his son....humph.... how the he** does that work? i am not telepathic and after 4 years of walking in and out and never really supporting him why should i let him have that opportunity now? after all i gave him the option for 4 years now that he has decided he doesn;t really want it i am supposed to just roll over and give him what he want's...... well i am not doing it anymore. i have let him off on everything. he has not seen his child... by his choice, in over 2 years now. he hasn;t called to check on him at all. in fact the only time he did call was after mothers day in 2009 and then he never, not one time, asked about his son, NEVER, he asked about me, he told me about him, and his family but never once did he say how is Brandon doing, So what am i supposed to tell him when he askes me mommy why doesn;t my father love me the way he does his other kids? that question breaks my heart, becasue i know it will come one day, and the best answer i can give him is becasue the good lord knew there would be someone that would love you more, that would be there for you everytime you fell down to help pick you up, dust you off, someone that would loose sleep at night worrying about your grades, your first love, college high school, weather he is giving you the life you deserve and for thayt i am the most thankful woman ever. that my children do have someone that will be there for them everymoment that they need him, that will never turn his back on them no matter how much they hurt him, that will be there for them when their own fathers couldn't, wouldn't or just dont want to. So no i will not let them sign over their rights until i feel that it is an appropriate time and yes i do think that anthony is doing his best and i know that sam will never do anything but it doesn't mean i will not fight for what i believe in my heart is best for my children.