somedays

somedays i realize exactly how lucky i am. i have a wonderful husband who finds is necessary to make sure thatg i know everyday that he loves me, cares about me, and thinks i am beautiful. some days i take this for granted and i blow it off and i shouldn't. it doesnt happen very often that you find a soul mate and i truly believe that i have found mine he makes me happy everyday and makes sure tha i know i am loved and appreciated. i have 2 beautiful children who truly love me. in fact my son told me yesterday that i was a good mudder lol he was trying to say mother but the meaning was still behind it. and i know in my heart that i truly am a lucky person

man i want to be

God, I'm down here on my knees
'Cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance
If there's any chance at all
That You might still be listenin'
Lovin' and forgivin' guys like me

I've spent my whole life
Gettin' it all wrong
And I sure could use Your help
'Cause from now on

I want to be a good man
A do like I should man
I want to be the kind of man
The mirror likes to see

I want to be a strong man
And admit that I was wrong man
God, I'm asking You to come change me
Into the man I want to be

If there's anyway for her and me
To make another start
Could You see what You could do
To put some love back in her heart?
'Cause it goin' to take a miracle
After all I've done to really make her see

That I want to be a stay man
I want to be a brave man
I want to be the kind of man
She sees in her dreams

God, I want to be Your man
And I want to be her man
God, I only hope she still believes
In the man I want to be

Well, I know this late at night the talk is cheap
But Lord, don't give up on me

I want to be a givin' man
I want to really start livin', man
God, I'm asking You to come change me
Into the man I want to be

Choices

So this isn;t to them it is about them. for 4.5 years i have tried to be the best mother i can be. i have fought, cried, loved, bled, and worked my ass off to give my children the best life i knew how. to give them everything i had and more, food in their bellies, clothes on there back, roof over their head, love in their hearts, and the kind of childhood that i believe every child should have, a happy one. Now for anthony this has been pretty easy cause he has never wanted anything to do with sissy, he made that clear, he walked out and never looked back and for that in a way i am greatful, i dont have to worry about much with him just weather or not he is going to pay child support, which thankfully he pretty much always has, and what to tell her about him when she gets a little older, how to explain to her that we were never in love but that doesnt mean i don't love her or that for any reason i would ever regret having her. not one moment of her life has passed where i have thought ...wow this would be easier if..... i know that she was given to me for a reason and he wasn't a part of it. But with brandon it is a very different thing, he has taught me so much and once again i have never regretted having him, not one moment, but now his sperm donor...i suppose you could call him, has decided that he want's me to let him sign over his rights becasue after all i don't let him see brandon..... wait a minute.... yup you heard me right.... i don't let him..... i am not really sure where this came from because i have never once told him that he couldn't see bub... he made that decision, in fact until jake and i got together i tried everything i knew to get him to be in brandons life, yet he never was. i can't blame it on ashley because he is his own person, she is not his keeper and he knows what is right and wrong, i have never otld him he couldn't call, or send letters, or even see him but apparently after not speaking to him for a year having no clue where he is or what his phone number is i was supposed to call and let him know that we were in town in febuary so that he could see his son....humph.... how the he** does that work? i am not telepathic and after 4 years of walking in and out and never really supporting him why should i let him have that opportunity now? after all i gave him the option for 4 years now that he has decided he doesn;t really want it i am supposed to just roll over and give him what he want's...... well i am not doing it anymore. i have let him off on everything. he has not seen his child... by his choice, in over 2 years now. he hasn;t called to check on him at all. in fact the only time he did call was after mothers day in 2009 and then he never, not one time, asked about his son, NEVER, he asked about me, he told me about him, and his family but never once did he say how is Brandon doing, So what am i supposed to tell him when he askes me mommy why doesn;t my father love me the way he does his other kids? that question breaks my heart, becasue i know it will come one day, and the best answer i can give him is becasue the good lord knew there would be someone that would love you more, that would be there for you everytime you fell down to help pick you up, dust you off, someone that would loose sleep at night worrying about your grades, your first love, college high school, weather he is giving you the life you deserve and for thayt i am the most thankful woman ever. that my children do have someone that will be there for them everymoment that they need him, that will never turn his back on them no matter how much they hurt him, that will be there for them when their own fathers couldn't, wouldn't or just dont want to. So no i will not let them sign over their rights until i feel that it is an appropriate time and yes i do think that anthony is doing his best and i know that sam will never do anything but it doesn't mean i will not fight for what i believe in my heart is best for my children.

a new day

so i haven;t posted anything in a little while so i figured today might be a good day. i am going to start working out again today and hopefully get somethings done. i woke up a little late cause my husband let me sleep in. and the kids just got up at like 10:30 lol. i love that my children are good sleepers. so i have started praying again cause it is the only thing i know to do. jake has about a week left on his antibiotics and we just found out yesterday he has about 5 more months left on the blood thinners cause the doc said it is a minimum 6 month thing. so today i am out to find him a doctor that can care for his blood thinners and monitor him. money money money i hate that it seems like everything is run by money and i have to figure out how i am going to get all of my bills paid this month lol. i have so many bills and so little money. this is the story of thousands of people right now. i know we have a good thing here even though i can't stand to be here. i kinda feel like i just want to go home and home is florida, but when i saty that i sound like a spoiled littel girl not a mother and wife, so today i am going to start trying to channel my eneergy i am going to workout and i am going to try to spend more quality time with my kids. and my husband too hopefully although he is not very cooperative because he is fighting depression so he is not really in the moood to do anything anymore sadly. the highlight of his day os going to get his antibiotic at the hospital, which i have to say is a good thing, we know all the nurses there and they are so helpful of everything and so sup[portive of all thats going on that it is truly a good thing to have so many people that you do not reallly know care that much about someone. this is the closest thing to friends we have found since we have been here. i had a few at my job as did he but when the jobs went away so did the friends really.so we have been alone for about the last 5 months aside from the few friends we have still in contact and family. which reminds me that i miss my family. i think it is harder knowing that they are closer and i can't see them than it was when i couldn't see them because they were too far. it is going to be hard to move again and know it will be hard to make it up to see them, but i have to do whet the good lords wants for my family and i believe in my heart he will lead us to it. thats what i have been praying for is something that will tell us where we are supposed to be. a job there or a job here or something. i need something to help guide us, something that says we are making the right decision, i am scared to move there and be stuck with no job and no home and end right back up here...blah i dont think i could do it again....

Day 4

so they released jake yesterday. his arm is still really hurting but he seems to be feeling a littleb bit better as the day goes on. i took the kids to the golden arches today because i figure it is good for them to have a little bit of normalcy in their lives, however i am starting to wonder if we will ever have that.... i feel like i am 15 still living at home with my mommy. i am constantly being told what i need to do and when i need to do it, it is rediculous. i can't even go to the store without having to tell everyone i am going and have a list to take with me. i mean come on.........and then today to be told i have been being lazy for the month.... wtf is that.... how and i being lazy when i get up and dressed and am productive most days when all you do is sit on the couch and chain smoke. i mean get real.... like thats not the pot calling the kettle black. i cleaned the bathroom and dusted on tuesday. i do half the cleaning on tuesdays just about every week... it isn;t like i am lying she came home and i told her i did the dusting and the bathroom. that left tiff the floors. i kinda figure it is easier if you have just the floors cause then you can sweep the dust on to the carpet and vaccume it up when you are done. at least that is what i do. but apparently i should have gone down and did them. i mean i dont mind helping tiff if she doesnt feel well etc but i dont want to be TOLD what i need to do. i have a mother and she is not you. i dont tell them what they need to do and i expect the same respect. i was told by jake that i have to start sticking up for myself against them but for me that is a little bit difficult because i am not the confrontational type...i try to be a peace maker but i will not be told what i have to do becasue technically the only person that has a right to do that is glenn. i hate even being in tis situation. but it is a blessing at the time because if it wasn't for us being here we would really be in trouble with this whole foot buisness. so i suppose i will start standing up for myself and just do what i need to do for me and telling everyone else it is none of their buisness... tiff this is not meant to you and i hope you know this.... i just cannot be told what to do and how to do it. my pwn parents dont even do that to me i mean i am 25 married with 2 kids not 14 get fuckin real

Day 2

Well we got some good news today... all the problems with jakes blood tests were because of his antibiotics. that gives me a little bit of relief. but, i was pretty much told in no certain terms yesterday that i need to take the kids with me everytime jake and i have to go to the hospital because his dad doesn;t think it is right that his mom watches them every night. so now jake doesnt want me to come visit him because he doens't want the kids to be at the hospital and get sick. i suppose i am just very annoyed with this becasue his mom told me that i should wait in the car with the kids every night while he gets his anti biotics because thats what they had to do with their kids... well they didnt have to go every night for 4 hours, and from what jake has said they never did that they had mamaw to watch them. i am not trying to complain i know that somedays she helps us alot with the kids. but it is not like jake can go by himself, and i don't think it is right for the kids to have to stay in the truck for 4 hours in the heat. idk maybe it is just me......... today the kids are being alittle whiney and i am for some reason VERY tired today. i am just worn thin.... today is one of those days i wish my kids took naps...lol.....i am hoping i will get good news in the mail today that would be awesome but who knows.... well for today we got good news. maybe bot the bst but still it is progress and hopefully that is something. i am going to try to see if my children will let me take a nap... these are the days that i miss my husband..... ver y very very badly..... it is lonely here without him, i can't sleep well, i have no patients, and i am just blah lol

Day 1

so i have decided that blogging may be the only way for me to fully express my feeling right now and still make sense of it while letting everyone else know exactly how i am feeling. most of you probly know what is going on with my husband but to make a long story short, broke foot leaving work, got blister from aircast while working, had surgery for blister, got MRSA from surgery, got mostly healed and formed another wound on the side of his foot, wound got infected, new antibiotics, and now blood clots in his already thin blood. i think that all but about sums it up. in the last 6 months we have spent a cumulative 68 days at the hospital weather it be for a few hours or overnight. he has to go there everyday for IV antibiotics. and blah blah blah. i could go on all day talking about this as many of you have already heard with my calls to work or you cell or your home where i am worried and need some advice. and i have to say for the most part you al have been there for us and i want to thank you all for that. truly thank you. in the meantime we have decided that for our family it is the best thing to move back to florida, jake may have a job there that i am littlerally on my knees praying about. which brings me to my new topic, prayer, i think maybe i spend to much time questioning it and not enough doing it, i will be posting a song at the end of this that says, " don't let your prayin knees get lazy" and as i have listened to that song i have realized i have spent so much time worrying i have forgotten what is the most important part of that. so i am handing it over to the big man upstairs and praying that he will take us where we need to be and protect jakes health and my children. I think i have gotten so caught up lately in the technical things going on that i have forgotten about myself. to a point i have forgotten who i am and why i am that way. i am a fighter... i always have been and i always will be. i fight for the things i love and care about and i will not ever change. so i am going to fight for my husband. i am going to fight for the law suit that my attorney says we probly dont have anymore, i am going to fight for my husbands foot and life, i am going to fight for my sanity and i am going to fight to get my life back. at some point during all of this i have lost what feels like everything, my friends, my life, my job and mostly my sanity. i feel like a very lost person... i am lost in what the doctors keep saying, i am lost in the anger my husband has, i am lost with what to do with my children, i feel like i am lacking as a mother becasue i am fighting so hard for and against jake. i need to spend more time om my knees praying and less time on my back sleeping all my problems away. so today is the start of a hopeful improvment in my life. i am going to try to blg every to everyother day to keep everyone up to date on jake and to keep my sanity that seems to be ever fleeting and maybe my emotions that have been spilling out in tears at the oddest moments lately. some of the things i am saying are things i try very hard to not show people. the things i keep locked my my brain and heart and don't let out but i feel i need to let things out. i am sorry to my friends for always being the talker and never being the listener... lately i have been so consumed with my own life that i sometimes forget to ask you about yours... all of you....... for that i am human, but i have always tried to be there for you guys.. al of you.... to my parents i want to apologize for all the undo stress i know you guys worry too, i know you can;t help it, but i also know it is not good for you. i want to apologize for judging you for your actions, i was once told that i seem holier than thou about somethings and after alot of thought i have to apologize for that because i am no better than anyone else. we all have our faults and i should never judge anyone for them as i have made plenty of mistakes my self that i hate being judged for. to my sister in law i need to say i am sorry for always realieing* on you and not saying thank you enough. i know how much you do for jake and i i truly do and sometimes even i forget to say thank you. in the last few months you have become almost as close to me as jen and for that i have to say thank you for being there to listen and not judge me. i wish i had more people like you around. you truly are like a sister to me and i love you. i have to stop this for now i want to see my husband today so i am going to take the kids to visit him.