Day 1

so i have decided that blogging may be the only way for me to fully express my feeling right now and still make sense of it while letting everyone else know exactly how i am feeling. most of you probly know what is going on with my husband but to make a long story short, broke foot leaving work, got blister from aircast while working, had surgery for blister, got MRSA from surgery, got mostly healed and formed another wound on the side of his foot, wound got infected, new antibiotics, and now blood clots in his already thin blood. i think that all but about sums it up. in the last 6 months we have spent a cumulative 68 days at the hospital weather it be for a few hours or overnight. he has to go there everyday for IV antibiotics. and blah blah blah. i could go on all day talking about this as many of you have already heard with my calls to work or you cell or your home where i am worried and need some advice. and i have to say for the most part you al have been there for us and i want to thank you all for that. truly thank you. in the meantime we have decided that for our family it is the best thing to move back to florida, jake may have a job there that i am littlerally on my knees praying about. which brings me to my new topic, prayer, i think maybe i spend to much time questioning it and not enough doing it, i will be posting a song at the end of this that says, " don't let your prayin knees get lazy" and as i have listened to that song i have realized i have spent so much time worrying i have forgotten what is the most important part of that. so i am handing it over to the big man upstairs and praying that he will take us where we need to be and protect jakes health and my children. I think i have gotten so caught up lately in the technical things going on that i have forgotten about myself. to a point i have forgotten who i am and why i am that way. i am a fighter... i always have been and i always will be. i fight for the things i love and care about and i will not ever change. so i am going to fight for my husband. i am going to fight for the law suit that my attorney says we probly dont have anymore, i am going to fight for my husbands foot and life, i am going to fight for my sanity and i am going to fight to get my life back. at some point during all of this i have lost what feels like everything, my friends, my life, my job and mostly my sanity. i feel like a very lost person... i am lost in what the doctors keep saying, i am lost in the anger my husband has, i am lost with what to do with my children, i feel like i am lacking as a mother becasue i am fighting so hard for and against jake. i need to spend more time om my knees praying and less time on my back sleeping all my problems away. so today is the start of a hopeful improvment in my life. i am going to try to blg every to everyother day to keep everyone up to date on jake and to keep my sanity that seems to be ever fleeting and maybe my emotions that have been spilling out in tears at the oddest moments lately. some of the things i am saying are things i try very hard to not show people. the things i keep locked my my brain and heart and don't let out but i feel i need to let things out. i am sorry to my friends for always being the talker and never being the listener... lately i have been so consumed with my own life that i sometimes forget to ask you about yours... all of you....... for that i am human, but i have always tried to be there for you guys.. al of you.... to my parents i want to apologize for all the undo stress i know you guys worry too, i know you can;t help it, but i also know it is not good for you. i want to apologize for judging you for your actions, i was once told that i seem holier than thou about somethings and after alot of thought i have to apologize for that because i am no better than anyone else. we all have our faults and i should never judge anyone for them as i have made plenty of mistakes my self that i hate being judged for. to my sister in law i need to say i am sorry for always realieing* on you and not saying thank you enough. i know how much you do for jake and i i truly do and sometimes even i forget to say thank you. in the last few months you have become almost as close to me as jen and for that i have to say thank you for being there to listen and not judge me. i wish i had more people like you around. you truly are like a sister to me and i love you. i have to stop this for now i want to see my husband today so i am going to take the kids to visit him.